When It Comes To Family, Here's What's Hard About The Holidays

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Hanukkah falls on December 25th this year — only the fifth time since 1900. Comedian Jackie Mason joked, “The Jewish holidays are never on time — they are either early or late.

It’s true. The Hebrew people developed a lunisolar calendar, following both phases of the moon and the earth’s orbit around the sun. 

I thought celebrating the December holidays would be easier this year, but it’s more complicated than ever.

My family has always juggled our Hanukkah celebrations. After my parents retired to Florida, whenever Hanukkah arrived early, my mother would move our annual family gathering to December 25th. It also happened to be her wedding anniversary. Mom’s double bill had less to do with our roots in tradition than with logistics. As long as the kids were all on school break, she could count on everyone being together in one place.

No matter what the calendar said, we ate latkes: potato pancakes fried in oil to symbolize the holiday’s miracle in the aftermath of a pillaged temple in Jerusalem. An oil-lit menorah endured for eight days, even though it should have burned out in 24 hours.

As family members grew into adulthood, some moved away. At first, it was easy for everyone to converge on the Sunshine State for our December 25th tradition, even those of us traveling from afar.

But as we all got older, it became more complicated. Mom’s in-person events were like playing the lottery. No matter what date she chose, we came close but often seemed to miss one person.

One year, it was my niece. She was moving out of state with her new husband. When Mom heard the news, her eyebrows scrunched together in a sign of distress. Of course, she was happy about her granddaughter beginning a new life, but all she wanted to know was,

“You’ll fly home for Hanukkah, won’t you?”

“I can’t, Grandma.” She explained that her husband always spends Christmas with his family in Pennsylvania.

“Can’t you celebrate Christmas with them some other time?” Mom said and then laughed, realizing how preposterous that was.

The easiest year was when Hanukkah began on December 22nd. It felt like a miracle, or at the very least, the best possible gift for a united holiday season. As my daughter snapped beaters into the electric mixer to make whipped cream for the anniversary cake, I hoped we’d always live in the same city to share the holidays. And if not, like my mother, we’d just pick a date when we could be together in one place.

In 2013, when Hanukkah fell on Thanksgiving weekend, we didn’t have to move anything around — except the turkey around the table with a side of latkes instead of yams. The media nicknamed it “Thanksgivukkah.” But that won’t happen again until 2070. Once, everyone was remarkably available on a really early Hanukkah: during the pandemic.

We lit candles together on Zoom.

After Mom died, I began hosting Hanukkah, continuing Mom’s tradition of a Christmas date. New complications arose. My husband’s birthday is December 23rd, and my daughter’s boyfriend’s birthday is the 24th. Last year, my daughter stuck around for her dad’s birthday while her boyfriend left to spend the week with his parents in New England. Early the next morning, she took a train to her boyfriend’s parents’ house, where they hung her very own stocking over the mantel.

My family needs an Excel chart to see who’s where and with whom. Instead of buying gifts, I’ve initiated a new tradition of hosting a White Elephant, also known as a Yankee Swap. After dinner — but before the traditional dessert of donuts (another fried symbolic food) — we sit in a circle in my living room. I ask all the guests to bring something from home they no longer want — serious or funny. We each pick numbers out of a hat and play the game of swapping wrapped packages, which players can steal from each other. I lost the Tupperware, but laughed a lot. I plan to re-enact this game every year.

Scheduling holidays is complex in today’s world of geographic family distances and interfaith relationships. My mother never thought it was sacrilegious to shift around our December holiday — as striving for 100 percent attendance and being blessed with family closeness was more important.

Although Mom never deviated from celebrating her exact wedding date, I have. My August anniversary sometimes conflicts with my husband’s business travel schedule. We just pick a date when we can personally give each other handwritten cards. I inherited her value of being together no matter what the calendar decrees and I’ve become increasingly grateful for any time we can share.

 
Do you find it harder each year to get family together for the holidays? Let us know in the comments below.