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My cousin got married last December. It was such a joyous occasion to celebrate with our extended family.
Unfortunately, my mom missed the festivities. A few weeks before the wedding, she had broken her arm. She said she wasn't comfortable going with her cast on. I tried to get her to change her mind, but my mom kept saying she couldn’t go, adding, "I'll be happy when my arm is healed and my cast is off.”
While I understood her trepidation, I was also frustrated. I’ve heard my mother utter the phrase, "I'll be happy when…" far too often.
The “when” has changed over the years, depending on the circumstances. From, "I'll be happy when we sell the house” or “when I retire” to more trivial “when I lose 10 pounds," her happiness seems to be tied to some unattainable event in the future.
My mother’s common belief is that happiness is a final destination. Instead, happiness is a choice.
“It’s a broad myth that happiness is tied to an achievement (a promotion or vacation) or something that you need to work toward,” explains Stephanie Harrison, who holds a master’s degree in positive psychology, is founder of The New Happy and author of New Happy: Getting Happiness Right in a World That’s Got It Wrong. “The new research shows that happiness is something that occurs with the pursuit of connection and staying in the moment rather than looking ahead or to the past.”
Putting Off Happiness
There is nothing inherently wrong with looking forward to events such as a vacation or a promotion. The problem lies in the belief that happiness can only be attained when (and if) these events occur.
“An unfortunate reality is that as we age, we have fewer opportunities to reach these future goals than when we were younger," explains Harrison. "In the meantime, the days pass by while you are ‘waiting’ for happiness to arrive in the future.”
Another issue is that having special events as our primary source of happiness can backfire. Harrison explains, “When you have such high expectations for a vacation or a promotion, it may not live up to the hype. And even if your vacation is great, you still come home when it's over, and then what? You don't want to wait for your next vacation to be happy again.”
Pursuing Happiness
The true source of happiness is a sense of well-being. "It's about connection," says Harrison. "It's about micro-moments that can occur in our everyday life if we create an open space for happiness."
So, how can you change your mindset from happiness being a choice and not a destination?
1. Allow Happiness to Evolve
Feeling happy about an upcoming vacation or a holiday where your whole family will be together is natural. But you don't want to derive all of your happiness from things that happen infrequently or from only a few people. "Happiness can be found by finding a hobby, embracing a volunteer opportunity or walking with a friend,” says Harrison. “It's about creating a life where you are connected to yourself, to others and to the world."
2. Stay Present
“Allow your happiness to evolve with time," she adds. "Don't focus on how things used to be, because it's not possible to go back in time. Instead, accept change and look for ways to be happy in the present."
3. Embrace Small Moments
Part of being happy is being kind to yourself. “Trivial things can bring people incredible happiness,” explains Harrison. “Be authentic about what is meaningful to you. Don’t beat yourself up if you find joy in something as simple as spending the afternoon knitting or bingeing a TV show and then discussing it with a friend.”
4. Find the Happy in Hard Times
No one is immune to challenges. Illness, divorce, death of a loved one — it’s hard to be happy when you or someone close to you is suffering. “The path of grief is not straightforward,” explains Harrison. “Even when we are hurting, it is possible to experience positive moments. To do so, you have to be willing to reorient yourself and believe you can find joy in the present. Happiness is what sustains us in difficult times."
Be Happy Now
The good news is that many of us in middle age have realized that the secret to happiness is to open up our definition of what makes us feel happy.
"Americans over 60 years old are the happiest demographic," says Harrison. "Many realize happiness that can be found in the here and now through being with family, community participation and in embraced solitude.”
And for people like my mom who are still stuck in the "I'll be happy when…" mindset, it is possible to change. "Don't put off your 'happy' thinking you can catch in next time,” says Harrison. My mom did eventually get her cast off, but the chance for her to get together with our entire extended family has passed. I feel sad that she missed it and I am not sure the opportunity will present itself again any time soon.
“Even if life isn’t perfect or you are going through a tough time, you can still find small positives if you create an open space,” says Harrison. “Commit to your connections, invest in your friendships, community and in your relationship with yourself. The time to be happy is now."
What do you think of the above? Are you able to live in the moment? Let us know in the comments below.
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