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I was raised on a healthy dose of Seventeen magazine and YM (IYKYK).
Throughout my teen years, I clipped articles explaining how to be aloof around men, how to play “hard to get” and how to make sure you’re the prize of the relationship.
Armed with that knowledge, I told my then-boyfriend, now husband, that I never wanted to get married or have kids. I was an independent woman, I told him.
My little game worked, and three years after our first date, we got married. It was only after the daily marriage grind (remember to put your laundry in the hamper! Please pick up some milk on your way home! The dog needs to go to the vet!) that my understanding of a true relationship emerged.
My husband is an incredibly supportive, empathetic man. I receive daily reminders from him about how much he loves and appreciates me. He tells me I’m beautiful multiple times a day — and after we had our own daughters, he switched that mantra to: “You’re beautiful and smart.” He didn’t want to give the girls the wrong idea, that being beautiful was the most important thing.
I, on the other hand, wasn’t doling out the compliments so quickly. I mean, does he need a prize for doing the dishes? Does he deserve a soliloquy about how well he does at work?
I love him. I don’t have to compliment him when he sets the table for dinner, right?
Turns out, my ’80s way of thinking may have been, well, Mean Girl. So mean, in fact, that my sweet husband started complaining that I never tossed a compliment his way, never affirmed his achievements — even if those achievements were as small as walking the dog when it was my turn.
Perhaps my lack of affirming my husband resulted from a long line of tough women who were attempting to display their power, however misguided. But the result was a partner who started to doubt himself.
“When we affirm our partners, we highlight their strengths, celebrate their contributions, and show appreciation, which helps them feel valued and loved,” says Laura Doyle, a relationship coach, author and host of The Empowered Wife podcast.
When Doyle stopped pointing out everything her husband wasn’t doing — and instead focused on affirming his efforts — he became more attentive and affectionate.
It was worth a try.
The next time my husband made the bed, I thanked him. He wasn’t sure if I was being sarcastic. I wasn’t sure either.
I tried it again when he cooked dinner, when he took out the trash and when he warmed up the car for me before I jumped inside.
It was transformational. The more I complimented my husband, the happier he was and the more he volunteered to help. I had feared that I would lose my power, but instead, I gave him power and felt even stronger emotionally.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that the healthiest relationships follow a 5-to-1 rule, with five positive interactions for every negative one, says Mariam Hager, clinical director and founder of Heart Mind Soul Practice, a boutique psychotherapy practice, in New York City.
Included in the positive interactions is intentional appreciation, which can be expressed through positive affirmations, says Hager. “This can be pointing out a kind thing your partner has done, like taking on a chore for you - or letting them know you love the sound of their laugh or how great they smelled that day.”
Adding affirmations to my marriage has completely transformed it. I mean, who wants to do a chore if they aren’t appreciated for it? Who wouldn’t mind being told how special they are when they arrive home from work?
Teen magazines back in the day had it all wrong. The key to a healthy marriage isn’t playing games and showing off your independence. It’s about leaning into your partner and telling them how much they’re loved and appreciated. Eighteen years in, I finally realized that being a strong woman means empowering your partner, too.
What do YOU believe to be the secret to a successful long-term relationship? Let us know in the comments below.
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Follow Article Topics: Relationships
