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From the time I was pregnant with my first daughter, who is now 16, I had clear ideas about my parenting style, starting with the pacifier.
I would not give my daughter a pacifier. I would nurse her for a full year. I would teach her to read by the time she was three. She wouldn’t have access to electronics.
Needless to say, these ideas went out the window within 48 hours of her arrival. On her second day alive, I couldn’t stop my daughter from wailing, so I shoved a pacifier into her tiny rosebud mouth. I tried to nurse for a year, but my daughter boycotted this idea when she was 9 months old and refused another sip. She tossed books on the ground when I attempted to teach her to read, and my electronics plan dissipated very quickly.
Still, I persevered. I was determined to carve a perfect child out of my daughter. It was only after two years of therapy that I finally learned a lesson that would change the way I parent: I have no control over other people, including my own teens. Sure, I can advise. I can yell and scream and impose “consequences.”
But at the end of the day, if my daughters want to wander through Chicago coatless (apparently, having a coat is very uncool), they will — even if they have to shed their coats after leaving the house without my approval. They will also do super scary things — like sipping vodka, skipping school and going on extreme diets without my approval.
In fact, a 2021 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that too much parental involvement and control is counterproductive.
The study looked at parents of kindergarten-aged children. Children whose parents provided more instructions and suggestions had greater difficulty regulating their behavior and emotions. They also demonstrated poorer performance in delayed gratification and other executive functions.
Children need to practice self-regulation and build independence without parents helicoptering. Parents who simply set expectations and standards for routines, arguments and other emotional spaces are able to give their children guidance without controlling their every move.
When I was trying to learn the concept of giving up control, I struggled. What did parents of super successful kids do to transform them into smart, creative, interesting people? Turns out, parents can’t take too much credit. We all want our children to succeed, and we could write books full of advice we’d like to pass along to them.
But it’s 100 percent up to our children whether or not they’d like to listen to our advice and take our suggestions. I have one daughter who never likes my opinion and does her own thing no matter what I say or do. My other daughter, whom I raised exactly the same as the first, will barely take a breath without asking if it’s a good idea first.
It’s been an incredibly difficult journey to give up control, as I do love being in charge of everyone and everything in my life. I started by identifying what I can control. I can decide what I say or do, but I can’t determine the outcome of these actions.
To replace my need to control, my therapist suggested coping skills, which are essentially healthy tools to keep you mentally sane. For me, they include reading, taking a bath, using my Peloton and daily meditation. Self-care is incredibly important, especially for mothers who tend to neglect their own needs in favor of helping their children.
When I am happy and healthy, I’m able to react much better to my kids’ decisions. In letting go, I discovered that parenting isn’t about control — it’s about connection.
Have you tried to loosen your control over your kids? Let us know in the comments below.
Cristina Spanò
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
