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A few years ago, my friend and I made a deal that when we turn 90, we’re going to move in together, like The Golden Girls. We haven’t shared our arrangements with our husbands, but if everything goes according to plan, we have time to fill them in.
Bev and I have known each other since high school. Most of the time, we talk once a week and text every few weeks. Other times, there can be a two-week gap between calls. When I communicate with friends I’ve only known for a few years, we text more often than chat on the phone or in person. What these old and new friendships have in common is that they’re low maintenance.
Several factors help us preserve friendships, but an important guideline, especially with busy schedules, is the less pressure, the better. The fewer rules and expectations, and, more importantly, the less guilt, the more likely you are to strengthen your bonds.
According to the Survey Center on American Life, almost half of Americans have three or fewer close friends. Developing friendships as an adult isn’t easy. Maintaining them can be even more challenging. These tips can help.
Recognize That Friends Play Different Roles
Think of friendships the same way you consider medical specialists. If you broke your arm, you wouldn’t see a podiatrist. Your dentist can’t help you with stomach pain. The same goes for friendships. Different friends can fill various needs. “One of my best friends is my champion who gets excited about my work,” says Anna Goldfarb, author of Modern Friendship. “My other best friend is a navigator, so I go to her for advice.” When you realize the roles your friends play, she says, you can understand the dynamic of why only being in touch every few months seems comfortable.
Be Open About What You Expect from Each Other
Some people don’t care if you wait a few hours or days to return a text. In fact, they may prefer it. Others start spiraling and blaming themselves. Did I do something wrong? Is she mad at me? Was it something I said? The solution? Talk about it. Bev and I have similar expectations and understand it may take a few days to return a call or text. Julia Baum, a psychotherapist and the founder of PACT, suggests creating a communication pattern. “If you're both expecting to talk a few times a year, then that's okay, as long as you still feel connected with that person,” says Baum. But she warns that one person assuming you’ll talk every week while the other is planning to call every few months can lead to hurt feelings or problems.
Friendships Can Be Unique But Meaningful
It’s hard to forget the old Girl Scouts song, “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other is gold.” This lyric aligns with Goldfarb’s suggestion to separate friendships into two categories: Active and Memorial. The first category includes friends you see and communicate with often. You may get together for dinner or drinks once a week or meet for coffee daily. She calls these Active friendships her "jacuzzi friends," three to five friends who could fit in a jacuzzi and with whom you have an apparent reason to be in touch frequently.
Memorial friends are important, too, especially if you’ve known each other for a long time. Goldfarb calls this group “swimming pool friends” — they are in the outer ring of friendship. You may double-date with them, or they could be co-workers. Your relationship with them is more relaxed, with fewer expectations of staying in touch regularly. “These Memorial friendships are still precious,” says Goldfarb. Baum notes that this type of friendship usually indicates a very secure and deep connection where you're not wondering what the other person thinks of you or where you stand.
Friendships Change with Time
According to Goldfarb, one of the biggest reasons friendships fade is because of a milestone event, like a divorce or an abrupt loss of a job, changing what that person needs. As our lives change, so do our priorities. Instead of feeling guilty that you aren’t in touch as often, be honest and let friends know what’s going on in your life and how you might renegotiate the parameters of friendship.
My low-maintenance friends and I keep each other going, whether we’re in touch often or catch up monthly. But as my circle of friends shrinks and grows, I hold on tight to my nostalgic connection to Bev. Or, as she recently described it: “A longtime friendship with skeletons in our closet that we’ve kept locked away.” We may not talk daily, but it’s good to know that decades from now, we’ll reminisce about our glory days while sitting on the porch of our shared house.
Have you found it hard to maintain friendships as you age? Let us know in the comments below.
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Follow Article Topics: Relationships
