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When I dropped my oldest, Ryan, off at college last year, I did not cry. I hugged him hard, told him he could call me anytime and that I loved him (okay, a tear or two did well up then) and drove off. Was I sad? Of course. But I’d already decided I didn’t want him to see me bawling as I said goodbye. That’s one thing I did right when my kid left for college.
Few life transitions are as emotionally laden as college drop-off. For 18 years, you’ve nurtured, parented, redirected, listened, nagged, worried, lost sleep and discovered a love so deep you didn’t realize you were capable of it. Now, that same kid — that same gummy, drooling toddler has morphed into what the law calls an adult but that can’t possibly be right because it was only yesterday that you were trying to get him back to sleep or to keep her from sticking her finger into an electrical socket. And now that kid — your kid — is running toward the future without you.
Of course, you want your kid to grow, thrive and become a fully-fledged grownup, and for many, college is part of that. You’re nervous, excited, and maybe a little heartsick. If this sounds like you, fear not. We went straight to the source — moms of former first-year college students— about what to do and not to do when you take your kid to college. These eight strategies should help — and at least you’ll know you’re not alone.
Cut the cord. “Starting from when your kid is applying to schools: get the word ‘we’ out of your vocabulary when referring to schools. ‘We’ are not applying or choosing — ‘he/she’ is,” says Denise Schipani, the mom of two 20-something sons. “It’s subtle, but it’s important.”
Talk about sharing space. “I had talks with my kids reminding them what a good roommate is … things like paying attention when roommate wants to go to sleep and leave the room or use a mini headlamp if you want to stay,” says Amy Johnson Balicki, mom of four kids from ages 14 to 21. “Pay attention to the smell of your dirty clothes and make sure to wash them proactively. Don’t blast music when they are sleeping or studying. Leave the room if they are making a private phone call, etc.”
Get those numbers. Even if you don’t plan on being a helicopter parent, make sure you get your kiddo’s roommate’s contact info — and his or her parents’, if possible, suggests Miranda Witkowski, mom of three kids ages 13 to 21. “Know how to contact the RA [resident assistant], she says. “It’s very useful if they are nonresponsive and you get worried.”
“Put the Life 360 app on your kids’ phones if you haven't already,” adds Trisha Birch, mom to two daughters, 24 and 30. “It's a free tracking app and really helped us when Marissa would forget to call to let us know she made it back to college safely.”
Give them some freedom. I didn’t pepper my son with calls and texts, and that’s a smart move, says Elaine Johnson, mom of two 20-somethings. “It’s so important to give kids a chance to embrace and adjust to their independence,” she says.
Be upfront about money — and grades. “I’d advise a serious, specific conversation about spending money in advance, and then would suggest keeping a pretty close eye on it when they get to college. I learned that one the hard way when my daughter was in college,” admits Elaine. “But my son had been frugal, so I didn’t think of it.” She also suggests that you have an understanding with your kid about academic expectations so you don’t get any unwelcome surprises at the end of the term.
Let them problem-solve. “Let them figure out challenges: roommate or friend problems, trouble with professors or ‘alarming grown-up stuff.’ They're adults, whether you think so or not,” says Gwen Moran, whose daughter is graduating from college. “They're capable. Too many parents are micromanaging their college-age children's lives. If they don't figure out how to manage tough stuff while the stakes are relatively low, they're going to have a harder time later on. Also, when they call with an issue, ask what kind of support they want. Do they want advice? Do they want a place to vent? Both? Then, provide accordingly. You don't like unsolicited advice. Neither does your kid. And it's probably not helpful, anyway.”
Manage your holiday expectations. After that first semester, expect things to be … a little different. “They've had a major growth spurt and are truly beginning their independent adulthood. Don't expect them to tell you all the details of their experiences,” says Sharon Cindrich, mom of two 20-somethings. “And don't ask questions, if you don't want to know the truth.”
Get your own life in gear. Perhaps most importantly, don’t sit around feeling sorry for yourself. “Have plans for yourself every weekend if you’ll be an empty nester. Our youngest has been gone almost 20 years and we still MAKE FUN for ourselves,” says Sherry Beck Paprocki, mom of two adult kids. “This is the beginning of full adulthood. Later they will have partners and maybe children and you don’t get full entitlement to them ever again. It’s all okay — and you’ll be okay. There are such wonderful things yet to come for all parents; college years are times to recalibrate your relationship and appreciate your kids in whole different ways.”
Yes, you’ll miss your kid as he or she goes off to college. Remember that successful parenting means helping your kid develop the skills to take this next step — and that was your goal all along. And if you’re still worried about your emotions during drop-off? Wear sunglasses.
Are any of you dropping a kid off at college this month? How does it feel? Let us know in the comments below.
