The 3 Words That Keep My Marriage Strong

It was a season of big hurts and actions that nearly left our marriage in shambles.

With counseling, prayer and a community of people who loved us, we made it through, learning a powerful lesson along the way. We both said and did things then, which caused deep wounds in each other. And while a wound initially needs to be covered with a bandage, true healing only comes when those scrapes and cuts are brought to the light.

Our heartfelt apologies exposed those wounds so they could scar over. This allowed our trust to deepen, laying the groundwork for a healthy marriage that’s lasted far beyond those early dark days.

Be genuine and specific.

For both the big things and the little things, a genuine and specific apology is needed.

In our relationship, teasing is a love language. Whether it’s my husband’s gentle teasing about my habit of leaving every cabinet door open when I’m cooking or my joking about his Type-A obsession with cleaning up after me, we love to give each other a hard time. We sometimes take this too far, though, leading to the need for an apology.

It would be easy to throw out an insincere, vague “I’m sorry you’re upset” version. However, a fake apology doesn’t repair the damage or exercise relationship-building muscles.

“I’m sorry I took that too far. I love that your practicality balances my head-in-the-clouds mentality,” he states, building connection rather than resentment.

This awareness has helped me notice unhealthy patterns. One of mine is joining in when our young adult sons tease my husband — about his dance moves, sneaker obsession or dishwasher dogmatism — believing it will create a connection, when in fact it does the opposite.

“I’m sorry, I’m a shark in the water when the boys give you a hard time,” I recently said. “I know it’s the opposite of helpful when I lead the bullying brigade. I’m trying to do better. Will you forgive me?”

Forgive and move on.

Here’s perhaps the most important ingredient of all: forgiveness.

The Gottman Institute offers a three-step formula for a mindful apology: "1. Apologize. 2. Forgive. 3. Begin Again.” The apology is merely the first step.

After the genuine and sincere apology, my husband and I focus on forgiveness, a letting go necessary for both of us. That means, as hard as it is, we don’t hold onto past hurts and resentments. It means, like the Bible passage so often quoted at weddings, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”

As the Gottman Institute shares, “When you are the offended party, it can be tempting to take a position of self-righteousness and punish your partner for making mistakes. In a word? Don’t.”

After living with and loving my husband through every imaginable fashion trend, I can confirm that as soon as I start to pull ahead in an imaginary tally system of rights and wrongs, I royally mess up again, leaving me with a negative balance.

If our relationship were a board game, there would never be a winner. Thankfully, it’s not about keeping score.

In the history of our relationship, there have been numerous times when we’ve hurt one another, apologized, and forgiven each other, but now I can no longer recall them. And that’s all thanks to the power held by three romantic, trust-building words: “I am sorry.”

Do you agree? Do you and your partner properly apologize to one another? Let us know in the comments below.