I had been living with my husband for 10 years when I first found porn on his computer. I now understand this means it was 10 years before my husband forgot to erase his internet history and close his browser after looking at porn. But back then, I assumed it was a one-time thing. I had no reason to believe that my husband would ever want or need to watch someone else having sex on camera, especially not a pizza delivery boy and a judge. Yup, that was the scene. Her Honor, Judge Tanya Tickles, orders pizza and ... nobody eats the pizza.
I don’t know what made me more upset — the fact that my husband had obviously been watching porn or the fact that I would no longer be able to order pizza without feeling a flash of shame.
I didn’t mention anything to him. I didn’t want to embarrass him and I assumed there had to be an explanation. Maybe someone from work had sent him the link as a joke? We were very happy and we were having a lot of very good sex. Everyone’s needs seemed to be fulfilled. Except now I would have to drive to get pizza and maybe my husband secretly wanted me to wear a black robe and carry a gavel to bed.
The next time was a few years later when I noticed our cable bill was about $10 more than usual. I looked through the bill and saw that we had ordered two on-demand movies — "Sarah’s Secret Swim" and "The Year of the Boner." Plus tax.
Still, I didn’t say anything. Because ridiculous me assumed that my husband’s hobby had to be a reflection of all I lacked. I must not be meeting his needs. All my fault and all about me. So I made two phone calls: one to my BFF and one to my therapist.
The call to my BFF went great. We caught up on our week, swapped stories about our kids, and I never got up the nerve to talk to her about the porn “situation.”
With my therapist I felt much more free to be honest, and her response surprised me. She said that various studies suggest that anywhere between 50 and 99 percent of men watch porn, and this obviously includes men who are happily married. But here was the caveat: Couples who watch porn together are more likely to stay married than couples who watch porn separately. Theoretically it’s because people who use pornography for masturbation might not invest as much in real-life intimacy with their partner, whereas consensually watching it together can be a way of spicing up a long-term relationship.
So I never actually confronted my husband with the fact that I had “caught” him. Instead, I innocently suggested we try watching some “soft porn” together. I told him I’d heard it was a great way to keep things exciting. I was prepared for an awkward and embarrassing moment, but you know what? Those movies can be super cheesy and before you knew it, we were laughing and getting turned on at the same time. And yes, we then proceeded to have outstanding sex.
Now that I had something to brag about, I had no problem telling my BFF. And she had no problem laughing at my naiveté. Apparently this is a thing, and my friend and her partner had been dipping a toe into the voyeur scene for years.
So from time to time, especially when we find ourselves at a hotel, my husband and I still like to watch a few scenes of the cheesiest/sexiest porn movie we can find.
It’s a fun secret that we share and it’s definitely helped us in the intimacy department. I’m so glad I got over my embarrassment and opened the door for something new and exciting. And most important, I now have absolutely no problem ordering pizza.
Avery Kua
