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Since I was a little kid, I’ve always been a planner. I liked having a plan, making a plan and knowing the plan. Weeks before my birthday or school breaks, I would ask my mom, "What's the plan?" before she realized these events were coming up.
My desire to plan continued into adulthood and especially revved up once I had kids. Whether it was booking meals and activities for a vacation, dinner dates with friends or organizing a summer BBQ, I liked to make my plans in advance. The act of planning added to my enjoyment, and I've always loved the feeling of anticipation that comes from seeing a plan on the calendar.
But recently, I've had a change of heart and wondered if it was time to change my ways. There is a certain joy and freedom that comes with being a little less structured.
In fact, the chance to be more spontaneous may be one of the best parts of being an empty nester.
Why We Over-Plan
"People have a tendency to over-plan or over-schedule if they're feeling anxious, wanting a greater sense of control in their daily life," says Ash Shah, LCSW and Clinical Director at Empower Your Mind Therapy. "Routines can build a sense of safety and comfort."
For me, planning was a coping mechanism. As a kid, and even as I got older, too much idle time or uncertainty made me anxious. These feelings escalated once I got married and had kids. I felt pressure to get everything done and was overwhelmed trying to balance my roles as a mother, wife, daughter and friend. It was a chaotic time. Scheduling and planning brought me peace of mind and a sense of control.
Joy of Spontaneity
Although I miss having the kids at home, it’s nice not to have such a rigid schedule. Being an empty nester means I have more flexibility — I don't have to be home at a specific time to make dinner or pick up for soccer. If my husband and I want to go on vacation, there’s no school calendar to consider.
When you plan out everything in your life and try to take everything in, you can actually miss out. "To experience the joys of impromptu activities, you need to leave room in your life for the possibilities,” says Shah.
Initially, I worried when I realized that being an empty nester would bring more downtime, and I felt the need to fill my calendar. But I've learned to appreciate that an open space on a given day is a possibility — to grab dinner with a friend, run into a movie or take an overnight trip to the beach with my husband. I’m free to partake in spur-of-the-moment activities.
Less Cancelling
While planning sounds good in theory, I’ll admit there are times I've made a plan in advance only to wish I hadn’t when the actual day arrives. My energy level isn't there, or it's really cold out, and I'd prefer to be home in my pajamas that evening instead of heading out the door into what feels like the dark tundra (even if it's just 6 p.m.).
But a spontaneous activity has a different energy. "Deciding at the moment to do something can reduce stress," explains Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medicine and host of the "How Can I Help?" podcast from iHeartRadio. "It's more playful and exciting, even if it's a small thing. You feel more creative because you are not in your typical routine.”
When I say "yes" to something spontaneous, I know I want to do it then with those people. "If you are always canceling plans, you are probably hurting your relationships," says Dr. Saltz. "Conversely, saying 'yes' to a spontaneous get-together strengthens bonds with your friends."
Yes, I Can!
The joy of spontaneity is something you can partake in with others or on your own. In an article for The Girlfriend, I wrote about my experience going to a show by myself for the first time and how much I enjoyed it. If I had scheduled something that afternoon, I wouldn't have been able to attend. And, if I had bought the tickets in advance, I might have been stressed about going alone.
Instead, the experience was purely positive and propelled me to do it again. Shah notes, "It often takes trying something new (aka getting out of your comfort zone) to find new pleasant events and/or a community you want to incorporate into your routine. It might feel difficult initially, but the more you do it, the easier it gets."
To Plan or Not to Plan
Being open to more spontaneity in your life isn’t an excuse to be antisocial. "There is definitely a balance to be struck,” says Shah. “People can sometimes avoid making plans for fear of being unable to follow through or discomfort with a new experience."
She suggests considering which pleasant events are best kept in a consistent routine. For example, it might be easier to have a set workout routine, a weekly card game at the same time each week or a book group that meets monthly. "This gives you something to look forward to without the frustration of trying to schedule every week or month."
Meanwhile, embracing a "go with the flow" attitude might work better for other activities. I've committed to leaving one weekend free every month with no set plan. Whether we get a meal with friends or the two of us explore the city together, it's been so much fun to see where the day takes us instead of knowing in advance.
"The important thing is that you remain open to opportunities,” explains Shah. “And take advantage of any pleasant events that come your way.”
Do any of you live in an empty nest? How's it going? Let us know in the comments below.
Elia Barbieri
Follow Article Topics: Family
