Saying I Don't. Why Divorce Ceremonies Are Trending

Marnie Cortez* was about to get divorced for the second time. Her first marriage had been a disaster. For five years she had navigated life with an emotionally abusive alcoholic, afraid of leaving and having to raise the couple’s 4-year-old son,  Nick, by herself. When she finally gathered the strength to get herself and her son out of a toxic situation, the ensuing divorce drama was riddled with spite and regret. It was the last thing she wanted to endure again.

“The only thing harder than my first marriage was my divorce,” she admits. “But I made the right choice for me and for Nick, and almost a decade later I fell in love again.”

Marnie and her second husband, Victor, were married for 12 years before things started to unravel.

“It wasn’t the same as with my first husband,” she recalls. “Vic’s a wonderful man, and at one point he was the love of my life. We just grew apart.”

So at age 52, Marnie found herself on a beach with the man she was divorcing and her adult son, giving back her wedding ring and thanking her husband for all the good memories and positive moments they had shared over the years.

“It was Vic’s idea,” Marnie says about the makeshift divorce ceremony. “He knew how traumatic my first divorce was, and he didn’t want either one of us to walk away feeling bitter. This was like a way to decide to be adults and to say ‘I still care about you,’ even if we aren’t in love anymore.”

Divorce rates in the United States may be on a slight decline, but divorce ceremonies are becoming more and more common. In fact, the idea of memorializing a divorce is making its way into the church.

“We have prayers for people headed into surgery, prayers surrounding death. But the church has been lacking in caring for people in the midst of divorce,” says the Rev. Heather Shortlidge, associate pastor at First Presbyterian Church in Annapolis, Md.

According to Shortlidge, it’s not just a Presbyterian thing, with many other Protestant denominations jumping on the bandwagon. A recent revision in the Book of Common Worship has taken big steps toward addressing the need many couples feel to be recognized by their church during a devastating moment in their lives.

“When a marriage ends, it’s one of the most painful things we can experience,” explains Shortlidge. “Ritual can be a healing thing in people’s lives.”

The ceremony, as outlined in the liturgy, may involve the couple handing rings back to each other, expressing gratitude for the blessings their marriage created, and words of scripture. Children can be involved, which can be extremely helpful to the healing process following divorce.