Make hitting the snooze bar the secret to your sex life.
We all know that creative lovemaking and extended foreplay sessions can be well worth the effort. Who doesn’t love the sexiness of it: the high of preintercourse stroking, nibbling and kissing; sliding into lingerie to have it come off in minutes; the kind of sex that makes you want to start smoking, just so you can be that cliché. After 20 years of marriage, that usually happens for me when on vacation or well out of earshot of my three kids — maybe a handful of times per year.
Don’t misunderstand me. I like having sex — a lot, always have. Even if I don’t reach orgasmic levels of pleasure, I feel invigorated, loved and more loving of my husband, David. The big-O is chocolate icing on an already delicious cake. After 20-plus years, we know how to please each other, and I find that intimacy comforting rather than boring.
Still, feigning a headache, pretending I’m asleep, pushing a wandering hand aside are all things I had done at night to push my amorous husband away when I was not in the mood — nor in the mood to get convinced I was. By 10 p.m., with three young kids, I was done. Genuinely more interested in a fictional character’s life than my own.
Yet, I believe the research that suggests sexual intimacy is good for a marriage, and sometimes, even if not in the mood, I would engage in maintenance sex. It was fine, and often quick enough that I could still go back to sleep. But it was not the good sex we’d had in the past.
I craved a better solution. Something that didn’t involve cosplay or toys, because I just don’t have that in me.
Enter: precoffee coitus, aka morning sex. You may think you’re too rushed in the morning — getting ready for work, prepping kids for school, sneaking in some exercise or meditation before the crazy day begins. That’s all true, but when you first wake up you likely are the most relaxed you’ll be all day. And whatever you wear to bed is probably a lot sexier than whatever you’re going to put on for work. Yes, even that threadbare concert T-shirt from the ’90s. Take a big stretch and lean in.
Doubtful? I challenge you to find six to 10 minutes before your feet hit the floor this next week for a pleasant experiment. Hit the snooze bar, roll on over to whomever is next to you in bed and see what happens. If you both know how to push the right buttons, push them! Who needs all the buildup? Some may scoff at the assertion that six to 10 minutes is all it takes, but I bet they’re not willing to pass up a chance to try. After you’ve released some oxytocin, you’ll be ready to take on whatever the day brings (even kids who are rushing because you are waking them up a little later than usual).
I hope you will find — like I have — that morning sex is additive, not a replacement for evening sex or the occasional nooner. I’ve found morning sex begets more and better sex at all times because we both really want it. We know that we’re not being rejected if someone is genuinely tired at night and says, “tomorrow.” We both even sleep better, looking forward to tomorrow’s alarm.
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