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I once went four years without having sex. It wasn’t a conscious decision. I was busy working two jobs, taking care of my kids and adjusting to life post-divorce. I had no interest in dating, and I sure wasn’t thinking much about sex.
When I finally did have sex again, I couldn’t help but wonder, How in the heck did I go four long years without this!? I vowed never to do it again. But I did because, well, it happens. And it’s okay. More than okay.
It turns out, I’m not the only one with a history of sexual dry spells. While I know there is no “norm” when it comes to sexual frequency, I couldn’t help but investigate. We’re all a little curious, right? So, I asked girlfriends far and wide:
“What’s the longest you’ve gone without having sex? And why?”
Inka, 44, California: 18 Months
“As I get older, I am less and less willing to tolerate any BS, play games or compromise what I want in order to please a man. This makes the selection of men I am willing to sleep with much smaller. The longest I [have gone without] sex was maybe 1.5 years. It's not because I choose not to have sex, it's because I choose not to have sex with most men.”
Linda, 53, New Jersey: 7 Months
“After my first child was born, I was terrified to have sex. I had a forceps and vacuum delivery and the stitches to prove it! When the doctor gave us the ‘all clear’ to resume sexual activity, I was too nervous. I didn’t believe my body was ready after such a traumatic delivery, not to mention breastfeeding, sleepless nights and a bout of postpartum depression. I listened to my body and took my time.”
Edwina, 57, Indiana: 6 Years
“I intentionally stopped having sex in my 30s. I was a divorced, single mom with two children, one of whom had a life-threatening illness. I was lucky to carve out time for a hot bubble bath and a book. Now that I’m nearing 60, I don't find sex to be the thing that keeps me bonded to someone. Frankly, I enjoy talking, cuddling on the couch, holding hands and laughing. I no longer feel that sex is the only way to know [my partner] loves and is attracted to me.”
Melissa, 38, Texas: 18 Months
“I was heartbroken and needed time to heal and rediscover who I was as an individual. I began to appreciate the benefits of solitude and the clarity that came with it. I learned more about myself and my needs, both emotionally and physically. I learned to place a higher value on emotional intimacy, communication, and shared goals in a relationship. I didn't need to be in a relationship or have sex to be happy. There were times I missed physical intimacy, but it wasn't enough to push me into a relationship I wasn't ready for.”
Michelle, 53, New Hampshire: 7 Years and Counting
“There was a time in my life when I was what some would call promiscuous. I suppose I was looking for love and attention in all the wrong places. As I got older, I was overcome with regret and shame. I decided to not have sex outside of a committed and loving relationship. Sex isn’t something I seek or need or even miss. Maybe I will have it again or maybe I won’t. The only thing I do know is that I won’t have it just to have it. Those days are over, and I am so grateful for that.”
There you have it, Girlfriends! Apparently, we all need a break once in a while — even from the good stuff and there is no shame in that game! The important thing is to treat ourselves with love and compassion, trust and listen to our minds and bodies, and never stop learning or growing.
Do these dry spells surprise you? Let us know in the comments below.
Margeaux Walter
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
