When I marched down the aisle 20 years ago, I had no way of knowing that the man I was marrying wouldn’t resemble the one I share my bed with today. Sure, he’s still the same guy, but he’s definitely not the Prince Charming I thought I was marrying. In fact, I’m still pretty pissed off that Cinderella lied to all of us. On our wedding day, I genuinely thought I was going to live happily ever after as we drove away in a horse-drawn carriage followed by mice and birds who would help me decorate the perfect home.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure my glass slippers shattered a month or two after the wedding.
Those first few months of marriage were eye-opening for me, particularly with regard to our finances. Though we’d been together for four years before getting married, merging our finances turned out to be the first of many arguments in our marriage. And, the truth is, finding out that your new wife has no idea how to balance her checkbook had to have tarnished my princess qualities in his eyes, too.
Over the years, as we’ve evolved in our marriage, we’ve realized that the honeymoon is definitely over. But, that’s not such a bad thing, really, because there’s comfort in knowing you are married to a partner who doesn’t bat an eye when you add “control top undies” to the weekly Target shopping list.
Other signs that the honeymoon is over and that you and your partner are probably in it for the long haul (translation: You’ve been together so long that no one else will put up with your s**t):
1). You’ve long since stopped caring if he sees you on the toilet. And he clips his toenails in front of you without a care in the world.
2). You used to fight over who had control of the remote. Now you stream your favorite shows on devices while on different floors of the house.
3). Valentine’s romance is now a new water heater for you and brakes for his car.
4). You can’t remember the last time you had a date on New Year’s Eve. Frankly, you can’t remember the last New Year’s Eve that you actually stayed awake. It was definitely before Y2K. Probably.
5). Foreplay is finding your partner emptying the dishwasher.
6). You text things like “Grab wine on the way home or don’t bother showing up,” and your partner responds with “I’ll grab takeout, too” because he knows you aren’t playing games.
7). Dinner and a movie is now a Netflix and Snooze night on the couch.
8). You laugh at the couples you see arguing over which organic produce to buy in the grocery store.
9). You’ve seen your partner catch puke in his hands and field poopy diaper explosions, and you still let him touch you.
10). You haven’t been to a wedding in 15 years.
11). You tried on your wedding dress and realized that you’d need an entire roll of duct tape to close the gap in the back.
12). He uses a CPAP and you wear your favorite sweats from 1993 to bed, and neither of you blinks an eye.
13). You can’t remember a conversation that didn’t include figuring out logistics for a weekend soccer tournament.
14). The sight of his dirty laundry on the floor makes you want to file for divorce.
15). You’ve smelled his farts, and you’ll still let him get lucky.
16). He has seen you poop during childbirth and still says “You wanna get it on?” a couple of times a week.
17). You don’t hate the way his feet feel when they brush against your rough, unpedicured feet and unshaved legs in bed.
18). You can’t remember what your pet names are for each other. In fact, you’ve started referring to him as “My first husband” at cocktail hours.
19). “Clothing optional days” refer to the fact that neither of you has done laundry in a week and you’ve both run out of underwear.
20). He has accepted his role as the bug remover, and you have accepted that you will always be in charge of making sure the kids have lunches for school.
21). If you were to marry him again today, you’d skip the “till death do us part” section and add “if you watch Game of Thrones without me, winter will come to your doorstep for infinity” instead.
22). You’ve said the words, “I’m leaving,” as you head out with your girlfriends and leave him to feed the kids and deal with the dog after a long day … and you were only half kidding.
23). If a cute girl flirts with him, you are no longer jealous because you know just how gross his side of the bathroom gets. She’s welcome to clean his toothpaste stains, thank you very much.
24). You know deep down that there’s no one else you’d rather share your life with, even as you no longer pretend you sleep well when he's spooning you.
Sure, our honeymoon was over a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean I want things to end between us. Far from it, in fact. And, I’m glad Cinderella lied to me. Because my happily-ever-after story includes making it up as we go along. And courtesy flushes, obviously.
Halsey Berryman
