As divorcées, we think we’ve got dating under control: I will not make the same mistakes. I will not make a cape out of a man’s red flags and wear it proudly. I will take it slow. I want to keep my options open because I feel so free. Hell, I dont even know if I want a man to spend the night again — sleeping solo is delicious!
But connections are hard to find, chemistry is elusive and, let’s face it, we all have enough baggage at this stage in life that it’s a wonder we can get up and walk straight.
So when it comes to dating, we want zero drama. We dont do complicated. We aren’t making sacrifices. No bulls---.
Then we have our smoking-hot first date. The conversation flows. The connection definitely feels ... connected in all the right places, there’s AP chemistry and then — why, oh, why?? — we become16-year-olds again.
The feeling of teenage lust takes over your brain and you forget to turn your blinker on as you steer onto the highway to go home and reach for your vibrator. Your mind begins to race. Rules and rational thinking fly out the window and are replaced by racing thoughts:
1. Damn, that was a great date. Good conversation, good food, he didn’t drink too much, nice ass.
2. How soon is too soon to text? Asking for a friend.
3. No, I want him to text first.
4. What the … I am too old to play games. I’ll go home, go to bed and, if he hasn’t texted by noon, I’ll text him.
5. Maybe that’s too long??
6. I don’t want to text first, but he said he likes strong, confident women.
7. Wait, am I a bad feminist if I want him to text me first?
8. That make-out sesh was so hot. Did we make out too soon?
9. “I think we have a pulse!” —My lady bits.
10. When we go out again I’m going to straddle him in the back of my car this time.
11. I better start waxing again.
12. Where’s that black dress with the slit on the side? God, I hope it still fits.
13. What if I never hear from him again?
14. What the hell is wrong with me, I don’t even know him!
15. He could be married and have a second family.
16. What if he has a second family? He doesn’t have another family, you idiot, stop overthinking.
17. Make note to google the hell out of him later.
18. What if he googles me? Are there any bad photos of me on Facebook?
19. I’ll just do nothing and if I hear from him, great, if I don’t, who cares, I’m amazing.
20. I hope I hear from him.
21. I better hear from him.
22. I have not heard from him, maybe I need to restart my phone.
23. This is nuts. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.
When you do hear from him, you decide to wait a few hours before texting back so you can come up with 50 different responses and run possible outcomes for each.
Then you realize you’re going a little bonkers and remember who the hell you are (and she rocks) so you reply: “Hi, good to hear from you.”
Perfect.
Alice Mollon
