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Why do I have so many gray hairs? Another new wrinkle on my face? Cellulite popping up all over the back of my legs? How do I look so damn old?
I desperately wanted to stop these thoughts, but aging isn’t easy. My reflection in the mirror that day became the catalyst for the all-too-familiar pangs of negative self-talk that began when I was young. Still, I had spent much of my life mastering the art of self-love, and somewhere in midlife, I was certain I had cracked the code. I had given up all of my bad habits and stopped looking for a man to complete me, and for the first time in my life, I felt confident about the skin I was in. At 38, I truly loved myself. I was wise and honest, funny and ambitious, and the love I had for myself on the inside translated into love for myself on the outside. The negative self-talk stopped and life was good — it was great, actually.
Fast forward eight years, and those negative voices returned thanks to this thing called aging. I tried to silence them, but the voices were relentless, and my body was changing so much. Each day, my mirror reflected new reminders of the speed at which life was passing me by. I knew that the wrinkles didn’t change who I was on the inside, but still, I didn’t love my reflection in the way I wanted to. I was constantly in a state of disbelief over my body’s betrayal of itself.
At this time, I had been with my boyfriend for four years and often wondered if he noticed how much I had aged during that time. Did he secretly wish I looked younger? Insecurity ate away at me. I let it. I stuffed it down and shared it with no one because I thought I knew better: Women need to be strong and confident and love the skin that they are in. I didn’t speak my insecurities out loud lest I look and sound weak and self-critical. In the silence, however, these thoughts only grew.
So, here I was, feeling uglier than I had in years. I put on my best outfit, gave myself a pep talk and headed to my boyfriend’s for the night. After dinner, we had a pretty wonderful heart-to-heart. We discussed his growth and mine — the work we have each put into ourselves over the years, and we celebrated how far our relationship had come — and what a beautiful journey it had been. As he hugged me, I wasn’t thinking about age or wrinkles or external beauty. I felt the beauty of his soul, the beauty of our souls together and I was overcome with gratitude for the relationship we had built. Although he didn’t know about my internal struggle with the physical signs of aging, he whispered these powerful words in my ear:
You are more beautiful to me today than ever before.
I wanted to freeze time and stay in his arms while I soaked up the words, the warmth and the love. I felt as if I were melting from the inside out, and in that moment, I knew I wanted this relationship to be forever. I am pretty sure I didn’t say anything back. I let the words sizzle. I let my heart feel the love. And for a moment, I let myself feel beautiful.
After four years of dating and aging, this man knew me better than anyone else in the whole world. He saw my strengths and weaknesses, knew my every flaw, and has been by my side for every weight loss and gain. And at the time when I felt the ugliest, he saw me as the most beautiful.
Maybe I shouldn’t have needed a man to make me feel beautiful, to stop the negative self-talk and to accept my aging body, but maybe it’s ok that I did, too. He gave me the words I needed to be speaking to myself. Because of the beauty he sees in me — I see it, too. It isn’t about the hair or the eyes or the face or my body. It’s about my heart, my mind and my self-awareness. The beauty he sees is my growth, ambition, accountability, compassion, love and forgiveness. The beauty he sees in me is because I have aged.
That day especially, I desperately needed that reminder — that the way we physically see and perceive a person does indeed change as we get to know their character, that beautiful people can become more attractive to us — that I became more attractive to my boyfriend and that the love I had for myself on the inside translated into a beauty that others could see from the outside.
Yup, this is the guy I want to grow old with.
Who out there is dating right now? Let us know in the comments below.
Elizabeth Brockway
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
