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In my rush to pick up one of my kids after sports practice, I backed into a parked car. No one was hurt, and I wasn't going very fast. Both cars had minimal damage. I reached out to the other driver and paid for their damages through insurance.
It was a minor accident, but I spent days beating myself up for being so careless. I was in such a funk that my husband asked what was wrong. When I explained I was still upset about the fender bender, he said, "It just wasn't such a big deal. I wish you weren't always so hard on yourself."
He’s right. I tend to be very hard on myself. While he’s able to brush his simple errors in judgment away with ease, I have much more difficulty letting go.
Whether it’s getting over a minor accident, forgetting a friend's birthday or saying something silly (not mean) at a cocktail party, I ruminate.
"No one can be perfect. It isn't achievable, so if that is something you strive for, the first question is to ask yourself, 'Why?' Self-reflection and understanding your motivation can help you figure out how to live your best life,” says Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, Weill Cornell Medicine and host of the podcast “How Can I Help?”
Self-Reflection
"The first step in self-forgiveness is accepting that it is inevitable that you will make mistakes sometimes," says Dr. Saltz. "Taking a little time for self-reflection, including looking for repeated patterns in behavior, can be helpful toward problem-solving and personal growth in the future."
Self-reflection is not the same as rumination. “Some people have a destructive and critical inner voice,” she explains. “But berating yourself or obsessing over a mistake doesn’t help you to become self-aware or move forward.”
Two essential components of productive self-reflection are being able to take honest accountability for your actions and having a healthy perspective on the situation.
It doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook or passing your errors on to someone else. But it isn't helpful to beat yourself up and believe, "I am a terrible person."
The Power of Apologizing
Sometimes, before you can forgive yourself, you must ask for forgiveness from the person you wronged. “We are all going to make mistakes," says Saltz. "If your actions or words have impacted someone else, it doesn't help to forgive yourself. You need to reach out and offer a sincere apology with an intent to make efforts to do better in the future. "
Even if the wronged party doesn't forgive you immediately, it will make you feel better knowing that you tried to make amends.
Treat Yourself the Way You Treat Others
If a friend told me they had gotten into a minor fender bender, I would never say, "Why were you so careless?" or "You are such a bad driver!" So why would I say those mean-spirited things to myself?
Kindness isn't solely for others. We also need to learn to be nice to ourselves. That includes internal pep talks and positive mantras. Instead of focusing on what you do wrong or could do better, spend a little time each day acknowledging the many things you did right.
Let Go of Perfect
For many people who struggle with perfectionism, it's a personality trait ingrained since childhood. If parents with unreasonably high expectations raised you or you grew up fearing judgment or disapproval from others, it can be hard to let go of the feeling that you still need to be perfect or do things perfectly all the time.
"It's narcissistic to think it is even possible to go through life and make no mistakes," says Dr. Saltz. “Trying to be perfect is unattainable and ultimately causes you to miss out on much joy in life.”
If you feel stuck in a loop and unable to offer yourself grace, therapy might be helpful. "Therapy is not a pill or a magic wand,” says Dr. Saltz. “It's a process, and it can come with a lot of discomfort along the way. But with time, it can be an effective tool, especially if a person feels stuck and unable to forgive themselves even for minor indiscretions."
I have never mastered the art of giving myself grace. But as the holidays approach, I have decided to stop being so self-critical. So, while it can’t be wrapped up and tied with a bow, the gift I am giving myself is grace. It will include learning to be kinder to myself and practicing self-forgiveness. It will bring joy to the holidays and throughout the new year.
Are you often hard on yourself? How do you handle it? Let us know in the comments below.
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