I have to face it: I am going through menopause — and my teenage self is hating my middle-aged self right now. After all, I vowed I would never be the emotional wreck I perceived my mother to be when I was in high school and college and she was going through it. But here we are, thoughts and all.
1. It is so hot I’m going to die.
2. Everyone needs to zip their lips about having the AC on in the car; they can use a blanket if they are cold.
3. If this window gets closed again, I’ll stab someone.
4. More lube. Nope, even more.
5. I’ve been bleeding for a week, what’s a few days more?
6. I haven’t had my period for a few months. No need to carry these pads/tampons/diva cups around with me anymore.
7. Not having my period is great, one positive side effect of menopause. I am free!
8. *Sees blood in undies* I hate everyone.
9. Where the hell did these love handles and gut come from? I literally haven’t been doing anything different.
10. Everyone is so irritating and I just want to be alone.
11. I miss everyone and I feel so alone.
12. My boobs haven’t hurt like this since I was pregnant. These are off limits during foreplay from now on.
13. I could have filled buckets with my tears today. I’m still crying, and I don’t know why.
14. If that bitch thinks I’m going to share my French fries with her, she’s wrong.
15. My filter is gone. I don’t care. I’ll say what I want.
16. I’m definitely not as bad as my mother was when she was going through menopause.
17. I want to be alone in my car with the AC and a bucket of fried chicken.
18. I feel great today! (10 minutes later) This day sucks and nothing is working out.
19. I don’t feel normal. Am I normal? Is any of this normal?
20. Something is wrong — there’s no way women have been going through this since the beginning of time. This has to be more than menopause.
21. If one more person tells me to calm down, I’ll lose it. I will.
22. Why am I the only one sweating?
23. If I fall asleep now, I’ll get seven hours of sleep … OK, six. Come on, four hours of sleep?
24. Maybe if it wasn’t so damn hot in here I could sleep.
25. I can’t even stand myself today.
26. OK, so I lose my hair, my estrogen, and my body odor is rank? Cool.
27. I thought I had so much more time before this happened. So. Much. More.
28. I wouldn’t be this moody if people wouldn’t push my bitch buttons so much.
29. This is nothing like PMS; it’s so much worse.
30. I literally won’t remember anything you say, but go ahead and keep talking.
Alice Mollon
