One of my least favorite things about being a woman is having to endure a yearly Pap smear. I’m not sure if it’s the indignity of wearing a paper gown that feels like Dollar Store paper towels are covering my lady bits or the fact that the tools they use in my hooha would make men run screaming from the room, but I just can’t bring myself to find anything worth enjoying at the gynecologist’s office.
At my most recent appointment, I found myself having a running dialogue in my head during the exam process. I can’t be the only one who thinks, That thing is definitely broken, when I see the number on the ob-gyn’s scale. I’m convinced the scales at the ob-gyn office are designed so that we have no choice but to drown our sorrows in chocolate and wine after a speculum has dared to go to lady parts unknown.
24 thoughts we’ve all had at the gynecologist’s office
1. OK, time to get undressed. Let me just hide my granny panties under my jeans. No one needs to see that action.
2. Socks on or off?
3. Oh, whoops. I’d give you a urine sample, but I drank an extra-large coffee and I peed right before I got here.
4. The date of my last period? Hmm. I should probably find an app to keep track of that, huh?
5. Well, look at that: My nipples really are a barometer for how cold a room feels. #HeadlightsAtAttention
6. Wait. Are those hairs on my nipples? Yep. Great. Now I have to add “shave boobs” to my ladyscaping duties.
7. Recreational drugs? God, I wish. Sadly, that answer is a big fat “NOPE.”
8. Yes, of course I do self-breast exam. How often? Um, as often as I floss, I promise.
9. How much alcohol do I consume? Does she mean glasses or bottles? Asking for a friend.
10. The last time I had sex? Do you mean the last time I said “Not tonight” while wearing my mouth guard and my sweats from college or the actual last time I had sex? That’s gonna take me a minute. Is there an app to keep track of that, too?
11. Right. It’s “that” time. Let me just flop around like a tuna out of water covered in a cheap paper tablecloth while I get my feet up in the air. Jeepers, those stirrups are cold.
12. Closer to the edge of the table? If I scooted any closer, I’d fall off the table, Doc. Oh, s***. I think I have to fart.
13. OMG, I forgot to shave my right leg.
14. I really need a pedicure.
13. A little pressure? OMG, is now a good time to tell you that I can give you that urine sample?
14. Whatever you do: Don’t. Fart.
15. Sure, I’d love to discuss what’s going on with my job and family while I listen to the clicks of the speculum opening up my cervix. Because that’s not uncomfortable at all, Doc.
16. Is that “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC on the piped-in music? Talk about awkward.
17. Don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart.
18. What would happen if I sneezed right now? Great, now I have to sneeze.
19. Why don’t they have a picture of Taye Diggs or Bradley Cooper or Hugh Jackman on the ceiling? Seriously, someone should get on that. No, wait. That would be weird. Maybe a TV with an episode of This Is Us? It has been a while since I’ve watched TV…
20. They really should serve mimosas in this joint. Or Bloody Marys.
21. Oh, everything looks good? Great! Oh yes, I’ll be sure to make my appointment for next year before I leave.
22. Where is my underwear? It. Was. Right. Here a minute ago. Please don’t let the nurse come in while my bare behind is in the air, looking for my panties.
23. What do I do with the paper tablecloth? That garbage can looks too small. Do I leave it on the table? Bring it to the receptionist?
24. Great. Now I have to pee.
Alice Mollon
